Baby Now (an excerpt)

Day 10: His four white walls became my escape. His skin became my calm, his eyes a forest green and brown I longed to get lost in every time I slipt back into reality. It was happening fast so I didn’t let him touch me in ways that mattered. When it was time to sleep I faced the wall once again and drowned out the sound of his breath with Bon Iver, counted the seconds til I lost consciousness.

 

Back then I was a runaround

a local gypsy bouncing between walls

to find magic wherever I could-

desperate times called for desperate

pleasures and I felt neither shame

nor fulfillment.

 

Day 20: After the first time the sincerity of his soul seeped through my rib cage, he forgave me for being broken. Broken down, broken hearted, just plain fuckin broken. He forgave me before he even cared to. The forest of his eyes quickly felt like a home I wanted to dwell in. I wanted to hike every goddamn mile and leave no stone unturned.

 

Since, he has

taken the cliché out of forever,

written my emotions in a chart

to cross out once he solves ‘em.

my mind is a minefield and he

can dodge the ammunition like

I have never seen before and so

he teaches me how to do the same.

 

Day 365: He knows me like the back of his hand. I have his forest eyes mapped out on paper, I have marked every trail with a different color. I have painted the trees. Baby you make me want to put time in a capsule and save it for later when time used to turn me to a cynic. I want to live on this earth for as long as you can hold me. I want to shamelessly unravel in the palm of your hand every time I am forced to feel. You took my broken pieces and taped them back together in a way that they work. You are the team my dreams have held from me up until the first time your lips became more than just lust and whispers. Baby now I stand on treetops and scream your name.

 

 

Angel Out of Touch

A smell was a trigger

out of a free shampoo sample,

tangled all in my head. the smell

engulfing me in steam, I think I

hallucinated her, saw her face

glowing in the mirror, glowing 

doing her nightly skincare routine.

How could I forget it? The decadent 

Decleor French elegance in golden

bottles made of matte glass. 

And one in particular – 

Oile de angel,

the one she’d share every night,

a single drop on my teeny nose,

a scent I had forgotten.

An angel out of touch.

Broken Watches

two steps forward, one step back.

my life is a paradigm of anti-progress.

comparison is the precipice of failure

and I am hanging off the ledge.

 

time is my rival, an invader of mind-

space and principle. twenty-three years

of minutes have passed me by.

I am stagnant. time leaves me behind.

 

I don’t own a single watch that works

and maybe that’s why. or maybe this

world has forgotten the sky (feet

move too fast to stop and look up).

 

Still, I hope my soul never anchors to

time. I hope it wondrously wanders

these lines and someday, someday

time will be mine.

I’ve Been in a Rut

When the weight of your heart

feels like the weight of the world,

too heavy for your soul to hold.

When self-sabotage makes you

a stalemate, frozen in time,

a cloud of smoke with no high, a haze

you can’t afford to be stuck in.

When figuring out how to escape

becomes a full time job and your

face doesn’t look like yours. Your

eyes have lost their light, 23 years

of baggage hang beneath them

of the world to see. and your smile-

its genuineness has been swallowed

by your own teeth and throat.

 

I hope you recognize the difference

between yourself and the haze.

I pray you let yourself live your days.

The Welder

I am broken.

S H A T T E R E D.

a million fragmented

heart-pieces are left

in trails behind me. He

follows ten steps back,

collect the pieces

like sea glass, packs

pockets full of soul-

shards. saves them

for later to create

something greater. He

builds,  a piece at a time,

my peace, a ring around

my finger that resembles

stained glass windows. He

welds it together with

lead. And I know I will

continue to break

but with him I will revel in

the breaking,

Collab with Dad

Listening to the peepers

harmonize with the waves,

glistening minds align

with the stars.

Far away, distant lullabies

rock us to sleep

like familiar arms.

Apus, the bird of paradise

flies above us.

Aquarius spins the tides

beside us.

In harmony as one,

China is our balance,

a keel that keeps us steady

under the night skies.

Avoiding this dystopian world we live in with utopian imagery

I want to live where the sea meets the sky

inside coordinates where I have never told

a lie, have never cried. where grass grows

in the deepest depths of the ocean, where

trees breathe underwater, where God does

not seek apologies. I want the sun to love

me back, kiss every inch of my body, caress

me with a burn that lingers at the day’s end.

I want to live where the music never stops,

where people read poetry out loud like it

is the last thing they will do that matters.

 

In this place, war does not exist. all we know

is the intimacy of lips. In this place, there

is no fighting, no flight risk, we all just float

on with the current, without warrant. In this

place, we let the flowers grow beneath our toes,

no one picks them from their home to benefit

their own. In this place, I use the stars as a blanket

and let the moon cradle me to sleep. In this place,

this is all I need.

Insp. by 2Fish

I walk barefoot always to leave

tracks so someone may find me

so someone may bind me

unwind me from the blue chaos

that minds me.

 

I walk with my head up always

searching for clarity for meaning

for love (that shits deceiving)

 

ways to feel

and not feel

ways to deal

and not deal

 

where do I fit in in this whirlwind world

why am I who I am and not who im not

is my fate written in the stars

does it swim in the clear blue sea

who is me who is we

am I free

can I be?

cancer

my heart and its slow beat

the world and its slow spin

time froze that week

blue eyes and white hair

my siblings’ faces

ten eyes all the same

turned barren;

“I have to talk to you

about my health”

and I think a pin dropped

and I think no one heard it

and I think my heart might have

stopped when it hit the ground.

just some thoughts…

everywhere I look I am surrounded by artists

painters sculptors poets interpreters philosophers

the sky paints living creatures breathing creatures

some breathe water some fire but they all have one

thing in common- they breathe and practice

catching their breath in the midst of blue chaos…

live for any bit of light that is pouring out of them

another thing- they are all searching, searching for

clarity for meaning for love and oxygen

Bon Iver

I sunk into red velvet seats could taste the sweetness

on my tongue as if my tongue were touching his

and the reverberation from his guitar pushed me

in further and further and slowly and beautifully

and I felt so much passion coming from his fingertips

leaving no single nerve in my body un-kissed

he sang of god and love and loss and forgiveness,

what forgiveness may be whether or not it is

obtainable. but you pluck the strings of my soul

an somehow in one single night I learn to forgive

in exchange for wisdom thoughts escaping

from the tip of my pen